I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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