Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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