dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
