Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
