when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I just gargled with NyQuil
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
