they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
