just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
