Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
