Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
