You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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