I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
