just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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