I'm going to rape someone's good day.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
