You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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