Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I checked into jail on foursquare
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
