I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
