Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
