his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
