So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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