I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
