Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
