i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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