i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
