so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
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there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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