are you still at the devil's house?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
you traded sex for a burrito?
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
