I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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