Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Four minutes until I can fart!
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I love you.
Bad choice
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