At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
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Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
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Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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