1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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