also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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