Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
