Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
organizing the empties. That sober.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
