When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
