There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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