the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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