I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
