there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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