i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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