Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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