I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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