APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
