Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
