so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
