dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
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Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
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I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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