my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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