I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
