happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
