apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
