I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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