How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
