He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
There's always time for handjobs
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
