hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
