I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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