i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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