Don't make out with my wife yet
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I have aggressive nipples.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
