They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
