Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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