Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
