Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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