Plan B is the new Plan A
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
She bit a glass in half.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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